Exercise is the thing, Mr. President …

Dear Mr. Trump,

The reports on your current foreign trip are distressing. You look unwell, fatigued, etc. Who knew that being president could be so demanding? I do remember when you criticized Hillary for not having stamina. Now, I guess, you’re going to try to prove that you do have stamina.

Here are some tips: golf is not cardiovascular exercise, unless you’re carrying your own clubs. Nor is Tweeting, although you may ultimately develop soreness of the thumbs. Although you would do well to run spell-check before hitting “send,” that is not really running for exercise. Closing the door of the Oval Office so that your Attorney General cannot hear your appeal to the FBI director to drop the investigation of Michael Flynn is not exercise either. Yes, even if you slammed the door 100 times in a row, that would not count as real exercise. Reaching for Melania’s hand is not exercise either. Sure, I know that you had to walk all the way from the plane on that glaringly hot red carpet without help, but that’s not exercise either.

So, Mr. Trump, what are you going to do about this situation? Warren Harding, you know, died of a heart attack in his first term. You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?

Here are more tips:

1.Take a great long hike along the rivers damaged irrevocably by mining waste. On your hike, why don’t you put your hand in the water and imagine trying to swim in the filth? Or, you may decide not to imagine; you may even go for a swim. But wait: that would endanger your health, too, wouldn’t it? “More than 40 percent of West Virginia’s rivers are too polluted to pass simple water-quality safety thresholds. They are too polluted to be safely used for drinking water or recreation, or to support healthy aquatic life.” This, according to Appalachian Mountain Advocates.

2. Instead of using a pen to sign your executive orders, why don’t you hold off until you     can use a 20-pound weight with an ink-point attached? That will build up your arm strength and save a lot of the citizens of this great country a great deal of trouble in the meantime.

3. When the evidence of your complicity with Russia’s interference in our election is amassed, you can get great exercise by moving the boxes of documents and tapes back and forth among the various investigative bodies.

So, I guess there are a variety of ways for you to build up your stamina, sir. I encourage you to use these that I have recommended and look for others as well.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger


About brucejberger

Bruce J. Berger has published his short fiction in a variety of print and on-line literary journals, including Prole, Jersey Devil Press Anthology, The Awakenings Review, Raphael's Village, Eastown Fiction, Black Magnolias Literary Journal, and others. He also publishes shorts stories for Amazon's Kindle. He is pursuing his MFA in Creative Writing at American University beginning in August 2015.
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