No witch hunt …

Dear Mr. Trump:

One of your favorite disparaging remarks is “witch hunt.” According to you, any investigation of your campaign’s collusion with the Russian government and your pal, Putin, is a “witch hunt.” According to you, any investigation of your attorney Michael Cohen’s possible violation of United States election law, on your behalf, is a “witch hunt.”

Frankly, Sir, you are overusing the term, possibly because of your limited vocabulary. It’s understandable. With all the golf you need to play, with all the people you need to fire, with all the television you need to watch, with all the women you need to pay off for their silence, with all the Nazis you need to praise, how could possibly have time to learn a few new ways of saying the same thing?

Here are some new ways for you to describe what’s going on:

The Mueller investigation of your collusion with Russia: “A non-partisan review, led by a stalwart and greatly-respected Republican, of the criminal acts of your closest confidants, who cheated our system of free elections, laundered money, lied to the FBI, among other things, leading directly to you, Sir.”

The investigation of Cohen:  “A search warrant properly obtained by the United States Attorney of the Southern District of New York (your appointee), and approved by a federal district court judge, relating to allegations that Cohen may have committed bank and tax fraud.” (Since when is it a witch hunt to investigate bank and tax fraud?)

You see, Sir, just a few more words and you can greatly expand your vocabulary. And, also, speak the truth for a change.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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Even better than a wall … aim those guns at Mexico, Mr. President …

Dear Mr. Trump,

What an outstanding display of power, Sir, sending National Guard troops to protect our borders from, what, a caravan of mostly women and children who are trying to flee a crime-ridden country and work hard to have a decent life here! Hurrah! Hurrah!

How brave you are, Sir! Your toughness now certainly makes up for your hiding from the Vietnam War with bone spurs that magically disappeared when the draft ended.

You’ve got it right! Stop those mothers and their children with guns. Your supporters wouldn’t mind if you used bayonets and phosgene as well. If these people seeking a better life nonetheless make it across the border with Mexico by the grace of God, have ICE keep separating families, taking the children away from their parents and locking them in cells. That’s what a tough president does, Mr. Trump. That’s why your supporters voted you into office, and you have to pander to them.

What’s next? Canada? Don’t we need the military up there too because Canada poses a grave danger, just like Mexico?

We watch in disgust as you work to destroy our relationships with our friends in this hemisphere.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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You’re the April fool, Sir …

Dear Mr. Trump,

There you go again, Sir, ranting and raving about immigrants. When the country needs people who want to work hard, you want to keep them out. When the country needs diversity, you want to make us all-White, all-Christian, all-straight, all-xenophobic, all-concealed-carry.

You complain that the Democrats have ruined the chances for the Dreamers, but it was you, Sir, who tried to end the DACA program, not the Democrats. Then you lied when you said you’d accept any bill that Congress offered to you to solve the problem, only to quickly renege when the Tea Party people you suck up to told you to reject a bipartisan proposal. Then you posit DACA as the reason why people still want to come to America, not understanding that DACA couldn’t possibly apply to them.

It is hard to imagine how someone so ill-informed as you are, Sir, could occupy the White House. It’s even harder to accept that so many spineless Republicans still say they support you, caring nothing about honesty, decency, intelligence, or judgment. You’ve brought to Washington a group of Know-Nothings, intent upon destroying the agencies that you’ve put under their direction, regardless of the harm that causes to the American people, to our environment, to our healthy, to our basic liberties.

We will survive this horrendous episode in the life of our country only by the determination of the people to stand up to you and your kind, Sir. Go play with your toy soldiers. You’re the April fool.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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About Stormy …

Dear Mr. Trump,

Now I’ve heard everything. Although you’ve made no public statements about Stormy Daniels and her obviously true account of your romp in the hay with her – “Don’t worry about my wife, we sleep in separate rooms.” – your comments to “persons close to you” once again show your lack of class.

First, you deny the truth of what actually happened. Well, we all know you’re a liar, Sir. A porn star has more credibility, even before she opens her mouth. And can you imagine making up a story as absurd as the proposition that a real estate mogul-turned TV celebrity bent over for a spanking with a magazine that bore his picture on the front page? If that’s a fiction, Stormy Daniels deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Second, however, you tell your friends that Ms. Daniels is not the type of woman you would be attracted to. So you call her a liar and demean her appearance in the same breath. How crude of you, Sir. It shows, of course, that you would have been more likely to cheat on your wife with someone who more physically appealed to you, but, say, she was a porn star, you had her hooked with the bait that she could be a contestant on your show, and you know that you took advantage. Just another incident of your “grabbing p***y” when you could.

So who was that goon that threatened her? Someone who did it solely out of friendship to you, who really cared about your family, just as Michael Cohen paid her $130,000?

Please, Mr. President, give us a hint about what we’ll someday discover on her CD.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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In your imaginary world … a letter to the White House

Dear Mr. Trump:

I expect that you will fire Mr. Mueller within a few weeks, but I implore you not to do so, Sir. I am aware that you love to fire people, that doing so makes you feel superior, tough, courageous. I am aware that firing people feeds your unquenchable narcissism and gets that testosterone surging. Aware of all that, however, I urge you to leave Mr. Mueller where he is and let him do his job.

If you follow my advice, Sir, you still have multiple options for firing people, and, in your fantasy world, I have some suggestions. You can fire:

Abraham Lincoln – Fire him for his war against the slaveholding Southern states. Fire him because – unlike you – he could speak well above a fourth grade level.

Franklin D. Roosevelt – Fire him because he cared about the country and brought us, among other things, Social Security. Fire him because – unlike you – he won a majority of the votes in his presidential elections.

John F. Kennedy – Fire him because he stood up to the Russians, making you look terrible for your failure to do so.

Richard Nixon – Fire him because, although he was a crook, you make him look good.

Yes, I know that these former presidents are not around, but think of the great symbolism in firing them! Plus, you live in a fantasy world anyway, imagining yourself with superhuman powers. Stay in your imaginary universe. Leave Mr. Mueller alone.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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Bad move firing McCabe, Mr. President … Sir

Dear Mr. Trump,

You never learn. Firing McCabe doesn’t help you, notwithstanding all the tweets. Firing McCabe just makes you look paranoid and vindictive. It makes you look afraid of the findings of the Mueller investigation. It makes you look like the bully you really are.

And why would you be afraid, Sir, if you had nothing to hide? We will learn in time – the sooner the better – what you and your companies in treason have done. Who needs the salacious details reported in the “dossier,” most of which anyway has already been proven true? We will in due course discover the full extent of the transactions in Russia of the so-called Trump Organization. We will learn why you are so loath to criticize Putin. We will learn why you refuse to release your tax returns. We will see every crime, every lie, every fraud that Mueller’s non-partisan investigation turns up. We will see how you obstructed justice and continue to do so.

The witnesses against you are lining up, eager to testify – in large part because you have demeaned their integrity in public. You call McCabe’s contemporaneous notes of your conversations “fake”? His sworn and detailed testimony won’t be fake, Sir. You call Comey’s contemporaneous notes of your conversations “fake”? His sworn and detailed testimony won’t be fake, Sir. They are no more “fake” than the Nixon tapes that forced him to resign in disgrace.

You can lie all you want, Sir. You can lie until you’re blue in the face, creating a nice orange/blue pattern. Your die-hard supporters will believe any lie, but the majority of Americans already know you’re mendacious, and more and more are learning this every day. Your Republican supporters in Congress will ultimately have no recourse but to turn you out of office, and then you can be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Please take my advice, Sir, and resign. It will save us all a lot of trouble.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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Let’s never turn the clocks back again — a letter to the White House

Dear Mr. Trump,

I understand that a move might be afoot to have Congress pass a law requiring the entire country to stay on Daylight Savings Time. If so, I encourage you – beg you, indeed – to sign this law when it comes to your desk.

You see, Sir, that by staying in Daylight Savings Time, we never again have to push our clocks back! Ergo, we will have shortened your presidency by one hour! Now, you might not think that one hour could be so significant, but it is, considering the amount of harm that you can do to our country – and to the world – in one hour.

In one hour, you could start a nuclear war. You could order the military to bomb those American cities you don’t like. You could declare martial law. You could call out “those Second Amendment people” – your phrase, not mine – and encourage them to resist lawful authorities in your name. The list of outrages that you might solicit, in any given hour, could go on for pages.

Please, Sir, let’s never push that clock back again. Even for one hour.

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger

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